l>Love is a Fallacy by Max Shulman Cool to be I and also logical

Love is a FallacyBy Max ShulmanCool was I and logical. Keen, calculating, perspicacious, acute, and also astute--Iwas every one of these. My mind was as powerful as a dynamo, as an exact as achemist"s scales, together penetrating together a scalpel. And--think the it!--I to be onlyeighteen.It is not often that one therefore young has such a giant intellect. Take, for example,Petey Bellows, mine roommate in ~ the university. Very same age, exact same background, butdumb together an ok. A nice sufficient fellow, friend understand, yet nothing upstairs.Emotional type. Unstable. Impressionable. Worst the all, a faddist. Fads, Isubmit, room the very negation that reason. Come be brushed up up in every new craze thatcomes along, come surrender you yourself to idiocy just because everybody else isdoing it--this, to me, is the acme that mindlessness. Not, however, to Petey.One afternoon I found Petey lying on his bed v an expression of together distresson his challenge that I instantly diagnosed appendicitis. "Don"t move," Isaid. "Don"t take it a laxative. I"ll gain a doctor.""Raccoon," he mumbled thickly."Raccoon?" ns said, pausing in mine flight."I want a raccoon coat," that wailed.I perceived that his trouble was not physical, however mental. "Why perform you wanta raccoon coat?""I should have actually known it," that cried, pounding his temples. "Ishould have known they"d come back when the Charleston came back. Prefer a fool Ispent all my money for textbooks, and also now ns can"t acquire a raccoon coat.""Can friend mean," I said incredulously, "that human being are actuallywearing raccoon coats again?""All the big Men top top Campus room wearing them. Where"ve you been?""In the library," ns said, naming a place not frequented by huge Men onCampus.He leaped native the bed and paced the room. "I"ve obtained to have a raccooncoat," he said passionately. "I"ve acquired to!""Petey, why? Look in ~ it rationally. Raccoon coats are unsanitary. Theyshed. They odor bad. Lock weigh too much. They"re unsightly. They---""You don"t understand," that interrupted impatiently. "It"s thething to do. Don"t you desire to be in the swim?""No," I stated truthfully."Well, ns do," he declared. "I"d give anything because that a raccoon coat.Anything!"My brain, that precision instrument, slipped into high gear."Anything?" i asked, looking at him narrowly."Anything," that affirmed in ringing tones.I stroked my chin thoughtfully. The so occurred that ns knew wherein to acquire my handson a raccoon coat. Mine father had had one in his undergraduate days; it lay nowin a trunk in the attic earlier home. It likewise happened that Petey had something Iwanted. That didn"t have actually it exactly, but at least he had an initial rights on it. Irefer to his girl, Polly Espy.I had actually long desire Polly Espy. Permit me emphasize the my desire for this youngwoman was not emotional in nature. She was, to it is in sure, a girl who excited theemotions, yet I was not one come let my heart ascendancy my head. I wanted Polly for ashrewdly calculated, entirely cerebral reason.I to be a freshman in law school. In a couple of years I would be the end in practice. I waswell aware of the prominence of the best kind of wife in furthering a lawyer"scareer. The successful lawyers I had actually observed were, practically without exception,married come beautiful, gracious, intelligent women. V one omission, Pollyfitted this specifications perfectly.Beautiful she was. She was not yet of pin-up proportions, however I felt sure thattime would certainly supply the lack. She already had the makings.Gracious she was. By gracious ns mean full of graces. She had actually an erectness ofcarraige, an ease of bearing, a poise that plainly indicated the best ofbreeding. At table her manners were exquisite. I had actually seen she at the Kozy KampusKorner eating the specialty that the house--a sandwich that had scraps ofpot roast, gravy, chopped nuts, and also a dipper the sauerkraut--without also gettingher finger moist.Intelligent she to be not. In fact, she veered in the contrary direction. Yet Ibelieved that under my guidance she would smarten up. At any rate, it to be wortha try. It is, after ~ all, easier to do a beautiful dumb girl smart 보다 to makean ugly smart girl beautiful."Petey," i said, "are girlfriend in love v Polly Espy?""I think she"s a keen kid," he replied, "but ns don"t recognize ifyou"d call it love. Why?""Do you," ns asked, "have any type of kind that formal arrangement with her?I typical are you going stable or anything like that?""No. We view each other quite a bit, however we both have actually other dates.Why?""Is there," i asked, "any other male for whom she has a particularfondness?""Not that I know of. Why?"I nodded through satisfaction. "In other words, if you were out of thepicture, the field would be open. Is the right?""I assumption: v so. What room you gaining at?""Nothing, nothing," I claimed innocently, and also took mine suitcase the end of thecloset."Where room you going?" asked Petey."Home because that the weekend." i threw a few things right into the bag."Listen," the said, clutching my arm eagerly, "while you"re home,you couldn"t obtain some money from your old man, can you, and lend it come me so Ican to buy a raccoon coat?""I may do far better than that," I said with a secret wink and closedmy bag and left."Look," I claimed to Petey once I got ago Monday morning. I threw openthe suitcase and revealed the huge, hairy, gamy object that my father had actually wornin his Stutz Bearcat in 1925."Holy Toledo!" claimed Peter reverently. He plunged his hands right into theraccoon coat and also then his face. "Holy Toledo!" he repetitive fifteen ortwenty times."Would you choose it?" i asked."Oh yes!" he cried, clutching the greasy pelt to him. Climate a cannylook came right into his eyes. "What carry out you desire for it?""Your girl," i said, mincing no words."Polly?" the asked in a horrified whisper. "You desire Polly?""That"s right."He flung the coat indigenous him. "Never," he claimed stoutly.I shrugged. "Okay. If you don"t want the it is in in the swim, ns guess it"s yourbusiness."I sat down in a chair and also pretended to read a book, yet out of the corner of myeye I retained watching Petey. He to be a take it man. An initial he looked at the coat withthe expression that a waif at a bakery window. Then he turned away and collection his jawresolutely. Then he looked ago at the coat, v even more longing in his face.Then he turned away, however with not so lot resolution this time. Ago and forthhis head swiveled, desire waxing, resolution waning. Finally, he didn"t turnaway in ~ all; he simply stood and also stared through mad lust in ~ the coat."It isn"t as though I remained in love through Polly," he said thickly."Or going secure or anything like that.""That"s right," ns murmured."What"s Polly come me, or me to Polly?""Not a thing," said I."It"s just been a casual kick--just a few laughs, that"s all.""Try on the coat," claimed I.He complied. The cloak bunched high over his ears and dropped all the method down tohis shoe tops. He looked favor a mound the dead raccoons. "Fits fine,"he stated happily."Is it a deal?" i asked, prolonging my hand.He swallowed. "It"s a deal," that said and also shook my hand.I had my very first date with Polly the complying with evening. This was in the nature ofa survey; I wanted to uncover out just how much occupational I had actually to perform to get her psychic upto the conventional I required. Ns took her very first to dinner. "Gee, the was adelish dinner," she said as we left the restaurant. Then i took her to amovie. "Gee, that was a marvy movie," she claimed as we left the theater.And then ns took she home. "Gee, I had actually a sensaysh time," she stated asshe bade me goodnight.I went back to my room through a heavy heart. I had gravely underestimated the sizeof my task. This girl"s lack of information was terrifying. Nor would it beenough just to supply her through information. Very first she had to be teach tothink. This loomed together a project of no tiny dimensions, and at an initial I wastempted to give her ago to Petey. But then I gained to thinking about her abundantphysical charms and about the way she entered a room and the means she tackled aknife and also fork, and also I determined to make an effort.I went around it, together in all things, systematically. I gave her a course in logic.It occurred that I, as a regulation student, was taking a food in logic myself, for this reason Ihad every the facts at my fingertips. "Polly," I said to her once Ipicked her up top top our following date, "tonight we are going over to the Knoll andtalk.""Oo, terrif," she replied. One point I will certainly say because that this girl: Youwould go much to find another so agreeable.We visited the Knoll, the campus trysting place, and also we sat down under one oak,and she looked at me expectantly: "What are we going to talk about?"she asked."Logic."She believed this over for a minute and also decided she liked it. "Magnif,"she said."Logic," ns said, clearing mine throat, "is the science of thinking.Before we have the right to think correctly, us must an initial learn to acknowledge the commonfallacies the logic. These we will take up tonight.""Wow-dow!" she cried, clapping her hands delightedly.I winced, however went bravely on. "First allow us research the fallacy calledDicto Simpliciter.""By every means," she urged, batting her eyelashes eagerly."Dicto Simpliciter means an argument based upon an unqualifiedgeneralization. For example: practice is good. As such everybody shouldexercise.""I agree," said Polly earnestly. "I average exercise is wonderful. Imean it build the body and everything.""Polly," I stated gently, "the debate is a fallacy. Practice isgood is an unqualified generalization. For instance, if you have actually heart disease,exercise is bad, not good. Many world are notified by their physicians not toexercise. You have to qualify the generalization. You should say exercise is usuallygood, or exercise is great for most people. Otherwise you have committed a DictoSimpliciter. Perform you see?""No," she confessed. "But this is marvy. Do more! perform more!""It will be far better if you prevent tugging at my sleeve," ns told her, andwhen she desisted, i continued. "Next us take up a fallacy called HastyGeneralization. Listen carefully: friend can"t speak French. I can"t speak French.Petey Bellows can"t speak French. Ns must because of this conclude that nobody in ~ theUniversity of Minnesota can speak French.""Really?" claimed Polly, amazed. "Nobody?"I hid mine exasperation. "Polly, it"s a fallacy. The generalization isreached as well hastily. There are too few instances to assistance such aconclusion.""Know any much more fallacies?" she asked breathlessly. "This is morefun 보다 dancing even."I combated off a wave of despair. I was gaining nowhere with this girl, absolutelynowhere. Still, ns am nothing if not persistant. I continued. "Next comesPost Hoc. Hear to this: Let"s no take bill on ours picnic. Everytime we takehim out with us, the rains.""I understand somebody just like that," she exclaimed. "A girl backhome--Eula Becker, her surname is. It never fails. Every solitary time we take her ona picnic--""Polly," I claimed sharply, "it"s a fallacy. Eula Becker doesn"tcause the rain. She has actually no connection with the rain. You room guilty of post Hocif friend blame Eula Becker.""I"ll never ever do it again," she promised contritely. "Are friend madat me?"I sighed. "No, Polly, I"m not mad.""Then call me some an ext fallacies.""All right. Let"s try Contradictory Premises.""Yes, let"s," she chirped, blinking she eyes happily.I frowned, but plunged ahead. "Here"s an example of contradictory Premises:If God can do anything, have the right to He make a rock so hefty that he won"t be able tolift it?""Of course," she replied promptly."But if He have the right to do anything, He can lift the stone," ns pointed out."Yeah," she stated thoughtfully. "Well, then ns guess the can"t makethe stone.""But He can do anything," i reminded her.She scratched her pretty, north head. "I"m every confused," sheadmitted."Of food you are. Because when the premises of an dispute contradicteach other, there can be no argument. If there is an irresitible force, therecan it is in no immovable object. If there is one immovable object, there can be noirresistible force. Acquire it?""Tell me some much more of this crawl stuff," she claimed eagerly.I consulted my watch. "I think we"d much better call the a night. I"ll take youhome now, and you walk over every the points you"ve learned. We"ll have anothersession morning night."I deposited she at the girl"s dormitory, wherein she assured me that she had had aperfectly terrif evening, and also I went glumly house to mine room. Petey lay snoringin his bed, the raccoon coat huddled prefer a good hairy beast at his feet. For amoment I considered waking him and telling him the he might have his girl back.It seemed clear the my task was doomed come failure. The girl simply had alogic-proof head.But then i reconsidered. I had wasted one evening; i might too wasteanother. Who knew? perhaps somewhere in the extinction crater of she mind a fewembers tho smoldered. Perhaps somehow I could fan them into flame. Admittedly itwas no a possibility fraught through hope, yet I made decision to offer it one more try.Seated under the oak the next evening i said, "Our very first fallacy this evening iscalled advertisement Misericordiam."She quivered with delight."Listen closely," i said. "A man uses for a job. When the bossasks the what his qualifications are, he replies the he has actually a wife and sixchildren at home, the wife is a helpless cripple, the kids have nothing toeat, no clothing to wear, no shoes on their feet, there space no beds in the house,no charcoal in the cellar, and winter is coming."A tear rolled down each the Polly"s pink cheeks. "Oh, this is awful,"she sobbed."Yes, it"s awful," ns agreed, "but it"s no argument. The male neveranswered the boss"s question about his qualifications. Rather he appealed tothe boss"s sympathy. He cursed the fallacy of advertisement Misericordiam. Do youunderstand?""Have you gained a handkerchief?" she blubbered.I handed her a handkerchief and tried to keep from screaming if she wiped hereyes. "Next," I stated in a carefully controlled tone, "we willdiscuss False Analogy. Right here is one example: Students need to be allowed to look at attheir textbooks during examinations. ~ all, surgeons have X rays come guidethem during an operation, lawyers have briefs to overview them throughout a trial,carpenters have blueprints to overview them once they are building a house. Why,then, shouldn"t college student be permitted to look at your textbooks during anexamination?""There now," she said enthusiastically, "is the most marvy ideaI"ve heard in years.""Polly," I stated testily, "the dispute is all wrong. Doctors,lawyers, and also carpenters aren"t acquisition a test to see exactly how much they have actually learned,but college student are. The situations are completely different, and also you can"t make ananalogy in between them.""I still think it"s a good idea," said Polly."Nuts," i muttered. Doggedly i pressed on. "Next we"ll tryHypothesis contradictory to Fact.""Sounds yummy," to be Polly"s reaction."Listen: If mam Curie had not occurred to leaving a photographic plate ina drawer with a chunk the pitchblende, the civilization today would certainly not know aboutradium.""True, true," claimed Polly, nodding she head. "Did you check out themovie? Oh, it simply knocked me out. The Walter Pidgeon is therefore dreamy. I mean hefractures me.""If you have the right to forget Mr. Pidgeon because that a moment," I said coldly, "Iwould like to allude out the the explain is a fallacy. Probably Madame Curiewould have discovered radium at some later date. Perhaps somebody else would havediscovered it. Probably any number of things would have happened. You can"t startwith a theory that is no true and also then draw any type of supportable conclusionsfrom it.""They chandelier to placed Walter Pidgeon in much more pictures," said Polly."I hardly ever before see him anymore."One an ext chance, ns decided. Yet just one more. There is a border to what fleshand blood deserve to bear. "The next fallacy is dubbed Poisoning the Well.""How cute!" she gurgled."Two males are having actually a debate. The an initial one it s okay up and also says, "My opponentis a well known liar. Friend can"t believe a word that he is going to say"... Now,Polly, think. Think hard. What"s wrong?"I watched her carefully as she knit she creamy brow in concentration. All of sudden aglimmer of intelligence--the first I had actually seen--came right into her eyes. "It"snot fair," she claimed with indignation. "It"s not a bit fair. Whatchance has the 2nd man got if the first man calls him a liar prior to he evenbegins talking?""Right!" i cried exultantly. "One hundreds percent right. It"s notfair. The first man has poisoned the well prior to anybody can drink from it. Hehas hamstrung his opponent before he might even start... Polly, I"m proud ofyou.""Pshaw," she murmured, blushing with pleasure."You see, my dear, these points aren"t so hard. All you have to do isconcentrate. Think--examine--evaluate. Come now, let"s review every little thing we havelearned.""Fire away," she claimed with an airy tide of her hand.Heartened by the understanding that Polly was not altogether a cretin, I started along, patient testimonial of every I had actually told her. Over and over and over again ns citedinstances, pointed out flaws, maintained hammering away without letup. It to be likedigging a tunnel. At first everything was work, sweat, and also darkness. I had noidea as soon as I would reach the light, or also if ns would. However I persisted. Ipounded and also clawed and also scraped, and finally i was rewarded. I saw a chink oflight. And then the chink got bigger and the sunlight came pouring in and all wasbright.Five grueling nights this took, however it to be worth it. I had actually made a logician outof Polly; I had actually taught her to think. My project was done. She to be worthy of me atlast. She to be a fit mam for me, a suitable hostess because that my plenty of mansions, asuitable mom for my well-heeled children.It need to not be assumed that ns was there is no love because that this girl. Quite thecontrary. Simply as Pygmalion love the perfect woman he had fashioned, so i lovedmine. The time had actually come to change our relationship from scholastic to romantic."Polly," ns said as soon as we next sat in ~ our oak, "tonight wewill not talk about fallacies.""Aw, gee," she said, disappointed."My dear," ns said, donate her with a smile, "we have actually now spentfive evenings together. We have acquired along splendidly. It is clear that we arewell matched.""Hasty Generalization," claimed Polly brightly."I beg your pardon," said I."Hasty Generalization," she repeated. "How can you say the weare fine matched ~ above the communication of only five dates?"I chuckled with amusement. The too ~ child had actually learned her lessons well. "Mydear," i said, patting she head in a tolerant manner, "five days isplenty. After all, friend don"t need to eat a whole cake to understand that it"sgood.""False Analogy," said Polly promptly. "I"m no a cake. I"m agirl."I chuckled through somewhat much less amusement. The to ~ child had actually learned she lessonperhaps also well. I made decision to readjust tactics. Clearly the best strategy was asimple, strong, straight declaration that love. I paused because that a moment while mymassive mind chose the suitable words. Then ns began:"Polly, i love you. You are the whole civilization to me, and also the moon and thestars and also the constellations of outer space. Please, my darling, say the youwill go steady with me, for if you will not, life will be meaningless. Ns willlanguish. I will refuse my meals. I will wander the face of the earth, ashambling, hollow-eyed hulk."There, i thought, folding my arms, the ought to execute it."Ad Misericordiam," claimed Polly.I ground mine teeth. I was not Pygmalion; ns was Frankenstein, and also my monster hadme through the throat. Frantically ns fought earlier the tide of panic surging throughme. At all expenses I had to keep cool."Well, Polly," i said, forcing a smile, "you definitely havelearned your fallacies.""You"re bland right," she said with a vigorous nod."And who taught them come you, Polly?""You did.""That"s right. So you carry out owe me something, don"t you, my dear? If ns hadn"tcome along you would certainly never have learned around fallacies.""Hypothesis contrary to Fact," she stated instantly.I dashed perspiration from my brow. "Polly," ns croaked, "Youmustn"t take every these things so literally. I average this is simply classroom stuff.You know that the things you find out in college don"t have anything to do withlife.""Dicto Simpliciter," she said, wagging she finger at me playfully.That walk it. Ns leaped to mine feet, bellowing choose a bull. "Will you or willyou not go secure with me?""I will certainly not," she replied."Why not?" ns demanded."Because this afternoon ns promised Petey Bellows the I would go steadywith him."I reeled back, get rid of with the infamy the it. After that promised, after he madea deal, after the shook my hand! "That rat!" i shrieked, kicking upgreat chuncks of turf. "You can"t go v him, Polly. He"s a liar. He"s acheat. He"s a rat.""Poisoning the Well," stated Polly, "and prevent shouting. Ns thinkshouting have to be a fallacy too."With an immense initiative of will, i modulated mine voice. "All right," Isaid. "You"re a logician. Let"s look in ~ this point logically. How might youchoose Petey Bellows end me? Look in ~ me--a excellent student, a tremendousintellectual, a male with an assured future. Look in ~ Petey--a knot-head, ajitterbug, a male who"ll never recognize where his following meal is comes from.

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Deserve to yougive me one logical factor why you have to go secure with Petey Bellows?""I definitely can," asserted Polly. "He"s got a racoon coat."